Grieving the Life I Once Had

I grieve every single day.

I never know which stage of grief I’m in because I flip flop hourly. I don’t grieve the loss of a loved one, but I do grieve the loss of myself. The loss of the life I once had. Now I live within the confines of my chronic pain and it’s that thunderous pain that dictates how my minutes will go. Oh how I yearn for my old life.

One minute I’m staunchly denying that this is how the rest of my life is going to be. I’d shake my head no in the mirror but the searing pain it would cause isn’t worth it. I’m angry that I have to deal with this condition every second of every day.

There are days that I find myself bargaining with my pain. Please don’t hurt that bad today so I can make it through this birthday party. Tomorrow I’ll lay on ice packs all day to make up for it….I promise.

Sometimes, I feel defeated and sad about all that I’ve been through and who I am now. Other times I feel like a pain warrior ready to fight the day.

On the outside I don’t look handicap or like I’m battling an internal beast but on the inside I’m walking in my own shadow. I exist in a body that has never failed me until a few years ago. Life used to be simple. Make a plan to do something and then go do it. Now it’s like I have to put an asterisk mark next to the plans I make.

*Yes I plan on being there but most likely I’m going to have to bail.